Thursday, September 01, 2011
Emotional Mess
I have been an emotional mess the last week or so. I am exhausted from everything and am so tired of fighting. I have heard so many times recently that I am a "trooper" or an "inspiration" and I just don't get it. I feel like such a failure most of the time and am so tired of putting on the happy face. If I let people know that I am not doing well, it hurts them, so it is easier to just say that I am okay and cry alone. But, honestly, I am not really okay. I miss Gessner so much at times that I feel like I am suffocating. I cry every time I look at my chest and feel like I have been mutilated. The thought of going through more cancer treatment nearly causes a panic attack every time I think about it. And I am scared of what my future holds. I am scared that I am not going to be able to find a job when I am done with this and that I am not going to be able to make it without Gessner.
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4 comments:
Love, love, love to you.
You're right...people WANT to hear you're OK. But being honest about how much life stinks right now is therapuetic for you. I know your fears are big. But God is BIGGER than your fears. It's hard to imagine life on top of the mountain when you are in the valley...but you WILL be there again. Oh, the places you'll go!
what you are going through isn't easy, so why should those people have it "easy" hearing how you are? Tell them. If they can't deal then they aren't worth it. Love takes pain.
Sometimes I think too much about people saying "you are strong, you are inspirational". I think they said it because they don't know what else to say. Then when they do, it makes you feel like you have to be so strong and brave for everyone because inspiring people don't cry. They don't have bad days. They shit rainbows. But in reality, those that truly do inspire are NORMAL human beings that deal with what they need to deal with, how they need to deal with it. They don't let the world determine what they should do, how they should act. They live, they cry, they have emotional days. They even shit shit.
<3
Haha, "they shit rainbows". That's awesome.
I totally get what you're talking about Lisa. I think a lot of people with cf get the same thing and wonder what the heck are you suppose to do with that little comment? I think people say you're a trooper or you're so inspiring because it's so different then anything they've gone through and....is the best thing they think of to say.
I have felt the same thing as far as people really really want to hear that you're "doing great/ okay" and smiling and carrying on with life. I've come to realize that is a presentation of their issues of being around someone who is sick. They're trying to lift your spirits and in a way show you that they're bowing down to you or something. I certainly doesn't do us any good, but I think it makes them feel good. Weird.
I say, start weeding them out. Make a personal goal to answer honestly the next time someone asks you how you're doing. See how it makes you feel, I bet it might take a load off of you to know you're not hiding your feelings anymore and just told it how it is.
"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."
<3
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